


The Mistakes of My Life

by ellenrose7



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Inaccuracies, Minor Violence, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 05:25:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3278405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellenrose7/pseuds/ellenrose7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall has problems with many things. See how he handles them.</p><p>Or where Niall has addiction after another and a lot of insecurities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mistakes of My Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic that I've posted on this page. I hope someone reads this and if you like it, give me a kudo (if you didn't like it, leave a comment and tell me why you didn't)
> 
> Constructive criticism, please!
> 
> More will come as soon as I have time to translate, write, etc., because I'm lazy...
> 
> Updated: I made this somewhat easier to read, at least I hope I did.

Niall's POV

It started a while ago, some time after we became One Direction. You ask what started. Your answer is my self-harming. I have always been a happy-go-lucky type of guy. I still am like that, though not so much anymore. But to the point, the hate started coming and at first I was able to ignore it. But then it became too much and I started looking for a way to get rid of it, or at least to forget it.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

I tried alcohol, it worked for a while but then people noticed my drinking and even more rumours started spreading. Even the management heard of it and told me to stop it and I, being the good kid, stopped.

I tried drugs, heroin to be precise, but it had pretty much the same reaction from the fans – and the rest of the world. No, they didn't know I used drugs, they just noticed all the changes in my appearance and in the end the withdrawals were even worse than the state I was in. Again, I had to start my search over.

I started throwing up my food so I could meet the standards and expectations but this time my mom came into it. She saw me in one of our interviews and noticed that my cheeks had lost their colour and my cheekbones stood out more than usual, she came to see me at my flat and told me she knew. She stayed for some time, just enough for me to gain back my weight and for her to make sure I didn't go back to my habbit.

I was becoming desperate as the hate became even more intense and it started hurting more and more, it didn't mean I stopped reading it though. No, I read it all, just to be sure I was still the loser they told I was.

It took me a while to gain enough courage to actually do what I had poundered in my mind. After our consert when we returned to our tour bus, I locked myself into the bathroom and took a razor from the cabinet. I just sat there for a few minutes, staring at the blade and finally lifted it to my wrist, kept it there and, with a nod to myself, slashed it into the soft flesh.

It hurt like hell at first, but a couple of times later the pain dulled and the relief took its place. I had finally found the way to forget my pain, even for a minute. No one noticed any big changes in me, I was satisfied with myself; I had at last succeeded in something.

The bliss of success didn't last long, though. One night, in our interview one of the girls in audience shouted something along the lines of 

'Why are you still in the band?! Can't you see you're ruining their lifes and careers by being you?!'

That was the last straw that broke the camel's back. It totally threw me over the edge I had been on for months. The studio was silent, you could have heard the pin fall. The host's mouth had dropped, The lads were dumpfounded. The rest of the girls were in silence for about ten seconds, until some of them started shouting same kind of things.

I couldn't even breathe; I had kept the lads out of my case and never told a soul about the hate. No one knew so it was quite a shock to them.

You might wonder why they never got even suspicious about me, but I had created so good facade even I couldn't sometimes tell the difference between the old and the new me in a mirror I had in my room.

The ice in my veins finally faded and I was able to stand up and run away from those who had hurt me. I heard them shout after me but I didn't listen. I went to the backstage, luckily Lou wasn't there at the moment and I went into my car that was parked outside of the studio (I had overslept so I had to come in my own car while others came in management's).

I started the engine and left the parking lot. I didn't stop before I was in my flat's driveway. I got out of the car and went straight to my room.

I stood there, watched my reflection and saw the tear tracks on my cheeks. I didn't try to wipe them off, just left them there. Suddenly a wave of rage washed over me and I screamed and hit the mirror's surface broken, it fell to the floor in millions of shards.

I picked one of them up and went into my bathroom. I sat next to the bathtub, leaning my back to it. While watching the light that reflected from the shard's edges I made my decision. The one I had pushed away from my mind time and time again.

I pulled up my shirt sleeves, watched in fascination how hundreds of my scars were once again out in the open, for everyone to see. I lined the deepest and darkest of the scars' lines with my fingers, sighed and picked up the shard, resting it on my right wrist.

Adding pressure to it I watched how the red blood started pouring out of the wound. Not satisfied with the result, I slashed the glass into my flesh, gasping as the pain overwhelmed me for a second. I moved on to my other wrist and did the same to it.

I sighed and dropped the glass shard to the floor, which was now turning red with blood. I heard pounding and shouting behind the door of my flat, only a while later I heard the sound of footsteps coming upstairs and behind my bedroom door.

Everything started blurring with the loss of blood and I just barely realised the boys were now pounding on the door that separated us. Now the dark spots started coming to my view and with satisfaction I understood that the end was coming near.

The door opened suddenly and the boys came in, Liam started shouting orders as soon as he saw me. Harry came next to me and started talking but I didn't hear a word he said, just saw how his lips moved forming the words propably meant to comfort me. I closed my eyes with smile playing on my lips and the darkness took me into its endless black abyss.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

Darkness started to fade. First came voices, nothing I could understand, then it started make sense. Then I got the feeling back to my limbs.

I opened my eyes just to close them again, it was way too bright. I tried opening them, now succeeding.

The light became normal and I could take a look at my surroundings. There were the boys and my parents and brother with his little family, sitting all around the room I was in. All but one were asleep. Liam was sitting next to me, holding my hand and wide awake.

”Ni? How are you feeling?” He whisper-asked.

I didn't answer, mostly because I couldn't as my throat was so dry and raw, but there was a part of me that didn't want to answer because they had saved me when all I wanted was death. He looked at me, waiting.

When he realized that I wasn't going to answer, he sighed and asked:

”Do you want some water? Your throat must hurt.” I just nodded and he gave me a glass full of water.

When I lifted my hands to take the glass from him, I noticed the bandages that were covering my wrists. Liam saw what I was looking at.

”We managed to call help just in time, a few minutes more and you would've been lost forever.” He said. I just took the glass and sipped the water. 

”I didn't want to be saved.” I said to him after a few minutes of silence.

I saw small movement in the corner of my eyes and looked at my mom who lifted her head from the mattress. She looked at me, sadness in her eyes visible.

”Why Niall? Why would you do that to us?”

”I wanted to end it all. All misery I've been feeling ever since we were formed.” They looked at me with a bit widened eyes.

Only sounds I could hear were snoring and Liam and mom's heart beat.

”What misery? You've always been so happy.” Liam ended the silence. 

”It was my facade, I haven't been that guy for a long time.” I said, then I watched at my brother Greg, who was holding his son, my nephew, Theo in his arms.

”Mom, can I?” I asked, pointing at Theo. Mom nodded, stood up, walked to Greg and lifted Theo carefully.

Theo woke up but didn't start crying when mom gave him to me. I weakly smiled at him. He's one of the only things that made me feel a bit better in my life.

After a while everyone in the room started stirring from their slumber. The boys jumped up and came to me as soon as they noticed I was awake. They spoke over each other so I couldn't really hear what they were saying. They continued it until Greg's voice interrupted.

”Shut up for a minute, you're giving everyone a headache!” Everyone went silent and I sighed with relief.

My eye lids started getting heavy with sleep, and before anyone else got to ask any questions, I was once again overcome with darkness. The last thing I know was when someone took Theo out of my arms.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

I got away from hospital two weeks ago after three days of recovering and being watched over there. I was back to our rutine of interviews and there were lots of questioning of my absence. The management had managed to keep the truth away from the magazines. Fortunately there hadn't been any paparazis when the ambulance had come.

The hate was just the same, maybe even worse in some ways. The boys had been on my case all the time until a few days ago I had snapped at them about not needing help and me having my own life just as they had.

At a moment I was so pissed that when I got home, I went straight to my cupboard and dug through the clothes to find the small bag I had put there long time ago. I opened it while walking downstairs into living room and dropped some of the white powder on the sofa table. I sat on the sofa for a while.

Once I had made my decision I pulled out my wallet and some random card from there. I then inhaled the powder into my nose – some of you might know how it works, one way or another. I started feeling the high after a while and I closed my eyes, letting it all go.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

I had been using heroin for almost a week. I knew it wasn't good for my health, appearance or career, but I didn't really care that much. The boys started noticing my change and became worried. They asked about it many times but every time I turned my back on them and left.

Tension started building up and the fans noticed it as well when we were performing. That was the day I decided to go to the new club I had heard of. It became the worst decision of my life.

I went there and the music was playing, the dance floor was almost full. But those things didn't matter to me as I made my way to the bar. I spend about an hour there drinking until I felt someone pushing me. I just snapped and hit the guy straight in his face.

We started full-on fight and I guess someone called the police as they arrived minutes later and pulled me off the guy. His face was swollen and bloody, mine had only a few cuts and my knuckles were pretty much open and blood oozed from them.

A police officer took me into the car while trying to cover me from paparazis that had somehow found their way there. I was taken to the police station. I was asked who to call to and I said Liam and gave them his number. They explained the situation to him and after the call took me to cell to sleep it off.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

Liam's POV

I was annoyed when I was awoken from my sleep, but when I answered, it all went away and left only confusion behind.

After the call I called the other boys and we went together to the police station. They exlained it all more detailed and everyone of us was silent as we didn't know how to react. 

Our little and innocent Nialler had started a fight while being drunk? And he was most likely going to be accused of assault and drug abuse? 

I found it hard to believe and we were taken to see him. He was asleep and they said we could take him with us after paying for his warranties. We took him afterwards, carried him into our car and went to my flat. There we put him on my sofa and after a while we all fell asleep where ever we were sitting.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

Niall's POV

First thing I noticed when I started waking up was the headache. Once I opened my eyes I hoped I hadn't as the light hurt them. I groaned because of the pain.

”Finally you're waking up! Do you even know how worried you made us?!” I heard Louis shouting. Only answer from me was another groan and Liam told everyone to keep their voice in check.

I tried opening my eyes and luckily was able to do it. I looked around just to notice that I wasn't home. 

”Why am I here and not home? What happened?” Liam was the one who answered with a frown on his face. 

”I was called last night by police. They told me they had arrested you because of an assault and that you were drunk. And they found heroin in your pocket.” 

I looked at him and felt how my face paled. 

”Yes, we now know about your drug use and I called your mom this morning.” I was about to protest but he stopped me before I even opened my mouth. 

”Niall, you're going to get charges. Of course your mom had the right to know.” 

All boys looked at me with disappointed faces and I looked down in shame. I knew there was no way I could deny it now. I'd have to tell them everything.

^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^.~.~.~.^_^_^

My charges were dealed with in only one trial because I was only accused on possession of drugs – they dropped the assault charges. The sentences were forfeit and either a year in prison or half a year in detoxification. So, here I am, two weeks later in a detoxigication center.

Lads and I decided to put One Direction aside for my recovery time because without one of us, there's no band.

Already I'm getting closer to the old me I want to be once again. Every single therapy session helps me to get there. Of course there has been downhills and there will be many others as well, but I believe that I can leave the darkest times of my life – and the mistakes I made in that particular time – behind me one day.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank anyone who have spend their time reading this! Any opinions about the story are taken into concideration as long as they are politely phrased...
> 
> Just so you know, I have no idea how British law thingies work so there must have been lots of mistakes... The heroin stuff was pretty much the same, I got no idea how that works either... Oopsie
> 
> I still hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
